De-cluttering

After I watched one of my favorite TV shows a couple of nights ago, it occurred to me that I never used to be able to watch favorite shows in "real time." It seemed I never had time to sit down and enjoy anything, for that matter! I reflected on what has changed in my life...I mean, I still have an (almost) full time job, I still have six children (one that I'm parenting from a distance now that she's in college), and now I'm down to one car/driver in the house. It would seem that I would be even busier, right?

What has changed is that we de-cluttered our lives.

We started with de-cluttering our space. We cleared and got rid of some bookshelves and other little stands that seemed to catch tons of clutter. We pared kitchen items down to just what we use on a regular basis. Clothing was sorted and a lot was given away; the rest was organized into dressers or baskets on top of dressers (great for little ones to manage underwear and socks!). We started keeping things in the areas we use them. Even though we still have some trouble spots to work on, this has helped tremendously!!

When I can see what's around me, find what I'm looking for efficiently, and have more space to move and work, I feel much better. I'm more productive. I'm happier. (Ask the children...when they want to "butter me up," they simply tidy the kitchen and make sure the dishes are done).

The second thing we did is to de-clutter our calendars. We no longer have 6 activities going on each week. To be truthful, I had to come to some key understandings here.
1. I am only ONE person and cannot do everything.
2. If my children want to be somewhere badly enough, sometimes they have to get creative or ask for help to get a ride, both valuable skills.
3. My children will not be failures in life if they don't participate in soccer, basketball, hockey, dance, karate AND piano lessons all by the time they are 15 years old.
4. It's okay to say no to a life that society has created and feel free to create the life that's right for me and my children.

Seriously, we were over-scheduled. Every night consisted of rushing home, rushing dinner, rushing to an activity, rushing homework, rushing bedtime, and getting up to get back on that wheel the next morning. Homework was often neglected. Notes for school were often forgotten. Sometimes the little ones didn't even get a bath! I felt like a rotten parent most of the time.

It wasn't healthy. We weren't eating right, we weren't sleeping enough, we weren't enjoying our time together, and we were getting crankier by the day. At the rate we were going, we would have all become grumpy old people by the time the children were 20.

I de-cluttered my work schedule, too. I pared my days down by .1, which equates to 18 days in a school year. At this point in our lives, that bit of time with my children is more valuable than the bit of money I'm able to keep after subtracting mileage, daycare, and taxes.

NOW... we all try to come straight home every night, where we have a system for getting dinner on the table. We talk about our day. We laugh. We plan dinner for the next day. We go through the papers in the backpacks and work on homework together. We share favorite books. I have time to do dishes and clean up the house while I chat with my children. We all have some time to ourselves to play outside, to play a video game, to talk to friends on the phone, or simply to sit and do nothing. We have a system for evening showers and bed time. Everyone is clean and in bed by 10:00 on most nights, myself included. Sometimes I even go to bed at 9:00.

Now that we've de-cluttered, we will take stock again to be sure everyone's needs are being met. My children don't seem to miss running around every night. They have more time to be kids. I will make sure they are liking the new changes, and adjust where I need to.

But not now...my favorite show is on. :)

I Will Make a Difference

My name is Trina and I am a survivor. A survivor of domestic violence. I am no longer going to hide this fact or be ashamed of it. My mission is to empower other victims.

It occurred to me recently that I've met survivors and people in recovery from all kinds of things....survivors of childhood abuse, survivors of cancer, recovering alcoholics, recovering gamblers, survivors of sexual abuse, recovering addicts...but I've never once met someone who admits to being a survivor of domestic violence or abuse.

Is there even a support group for DV victims, like there is for so many other things? I've never heard of one. The commercials on the radio have to beg and plead for these victims to even seek help in the first place. I've been wondering about this phenomenon for a long time now, attempting to wrap my mind around the whys of it all.

Why do people (men or women) abuse others in the first place?
Why do victims stay?
Why do victims not even realize that what is happening is abuse?
Why do we continue to call it "domestic violence" when many times there isn't any traditional violence involved?
Why is it still so taboo?
How do educated people suddenly find themselves in a bad situation with no way to get out?
Once the victim is removed from the violence, then what??

It should be called "domestic control" because that's what it starts out as, you know. Women don't willingly walk into relationships when all that's offered is hurt and misery. I've met many of these women. Many of them have normal jobs, healthy children, and one would never know what's going on behind the facade.

Well, not unless you look closely. If you look closely, you can see telltale signs. The smile that doesn't quite reach all the way. The eyes that dart around warily. The checking of the cell phone to make sure the kids are okay. The forced laughter.

And here's the thing that makes me wonder more than anything else. When people DO see or even suspect the truth, why don't they actually pull the victim aside and say something like "You know, you don't deserve to be treated like that. This situation is not healthy for you. I care about you. What can I do to help?"

Instead there are whispers, pointed fingers, judgmental comments made behind backs. "I don't know why she puts up with it....I would never....maybe she likes it....why doesn't she think of the kids...."

As someone who has been through this, I urge those of you who see someone in this situation to NOT judge, to NOT whisper, but to offer that person an ear, a shoulder, a safe place to sleep for the night, a ride to a safe house, a friend to take her to the police station, someone to stand beside her in court.

What I would have given for a friend like that. I'm going to keep working on this and I promise, I WILL make a difference.