So You're Healing Too...Part 1

Traumatic incidents can take many forms in our lives, and most of us don't get out without being affected by at least one. Some of us experience domestic-violence related incidents. Some experience the death of a loved one due to an accident or illness. Others lose a job, a home, or a special person. Whatever the incident, it is necessary that we recognize that we are still healing and must continue to do so. Without that, we can never really move forward in our lives.

It doesn't really matter how much time passes, I'm discovering. For me, it'll be four years in October since "the incident." I mean, the bad stuff started before that, but the turning point all came down to that one day. Four years may seem like a long time, but it's really not. In the big timeline of my life, it's but a narrow strip of time. How about you? When did your "incident" happen? Last week, five years ago, ten years ago...more?

I've heard there are "steps" or stages in the process of healing. I personally have no use for formal steps. I know that certain things must happen when healing, but for me they haven't happened in stages or steps. Most of what I've experienced hasn't been written about, at least, not that I've found. It's my hope in writing this that you might see some of the things that have happened to you and acknowledge them as healing, or that you might be able to take one of the things that have happened to me to help you in your healing journey.

First, I have to acknowledge that stupid cliche, "time heals all wounds." You know what? The passing of time really did nothing for me, in and of itself. If all I had done was lay in bed and tick days off on a calendar for four years, I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't have been able to parent my children, hold down a job, or function. What time HAS allowed me to do is to space out the things I've done in my healing journey so that I didn't become overwhelmed by trying to do everything at once. For example, all I could do in those first few days was exist. I knew I had to breathe, to get out of bed and eat, and meet the basic needs of my children. There was no way I could even think about any of the other things that have happened since then in those early days. So I guess time has been a gift in that way.

Another thing I had to do was to define a new "normal" for me and my children. Our days before the incident, although not all pleasant or perfect, had a rhythm and sense of being normal. There was a sense of predictability that we all enjoyed. Afterwards, everything was immediately thrown into chaos, and at one point I remember saying to the children, "Although our days can't be the same as they were, and they won't be perfect just yet, we only need to figure out what normal is going to look like for now." For me, that meant starting a new job, being a single parent for the first time, re-enrolling the kids into public school from being homeschooled, and finding a sitter for my youngest child. Once we figured out what normal would look like, at least for the short term, we could relax a little. We actually stayed at that point for quite a while.

To be continued...