New Fiction...Please comment!

Dear Reader,

Today I'm trying something new. I recently read that you must write a million words of crap before you can get to "real" writing that is worthy of being published. In order to change from writing crap to writing great material, though, the writer must accept a certain amount of real feedback. True growth as a writer can only come through listening to the honest critiques of readers. After all, the goal is to connect with as many readers as possible, right?

However, I tend to write a lot of autobiographical material, so I haven't really asked for constructive criticism up until now. After all, I write about what has happened to me and my own emotions about those events. It seems risky to ask for criticism when it comes to things of that personal nature.

So today I'm starting a series of fictional beginnings, individual chapters, short stories, and essays. If possible, please comment on the writing in the comments section below. You can point out typographical errors and grammatical errors, of course, but what I'm really searching for are thoughts about organization, style, voice, and character development. Each day I'll tell you about the assignment for that day and you can read my writing and respond.

Thank you in advance for helping me to develop my voice as a writer. My determination and hard work may just lead to a published work, and I'll be sure to autograph a copy just for you when it happens!

Today's assignment is to write about friendship featuring a high school student as the main character and having a fountain as the key object. The story is to take place in a flower shop. Without further ado...I present, The Secret In the Fountain.


The flower shop was strangely empty when Patricia entered. She looked around for her best friend, Joe. He could normally be found helping his mom run the cash register at Petals and Stems, the busy flower shop they'd opened last year. Since Joe's father had passed away two years ago, Joe and his mom had become close and he worked for her most nights after school and on Saturdays.

Patricia and Joe had made plans to go to the clearing that day, but now she wondered if he had forgotten. She heard the tinkling of the bells above the curtain leading to the back room.

"Hi, Mrs. McConnelly," she greeted Joe's mother with a small wave.

"Why hello, Patricia," answered Jeanine McConnelly with a smile. "How nice to see you. What are you up to today?"

"Thank you. I'm actually looking for Joe. Is he here?"

"Oh, I just sent him on an errand. He's on his way to Greg's sub shop to get lunch for the two of us. Here, take some money and head that way. If you hurry you'll catch up to him. Have him add your order to ours and we'll all eat lunch together."

Accepting a ten dollar bill, Patricia thought about how she could convince Mrs. McConnelly to let Joe out of work that afternoon. They had to get to the fountain in time to put the stone back into its proper place. "Thanks," she yelled behind her before running out the door.

Patricia Stark was, at first glance, an average tenth grade girl. She had long, brown hair that she wore straight down her back. She was dressed that day in her normal attire; blue jeans, layered t-shirts, and her bright green sneakers. Her jewelry consisted of a small silver key she wore on a chain around her neck and tiny silver beaded earrings. Her ever-present plaid backpack was slung over her right shoulder.

Most people in their high school thought she and Joe were together, as in dating, but the fact was they had been best friends since seventh grade. Patricia had been assigned to show Joe around school on his first day at South High, and they had discovered many mutual interests and a shared sense of humor. For a girl who had spent most of  her elementary school years engrossed in books or writing stories, it was strange and exciting to finally have a kindred spirit to share her innermost thoughts with. Around Joe she could be herself and all traces of self-consciousness vanished.

The week before, she and Joe had taken a hike down a dirt road in her rural neighborhood. Patricia had spotted an interesting stone wall in a clearing off to the right of the dead-end road. Approaching the wall for closer inspection, she saw a flat stone embedded in the middle of the wall. Kneeling down to look at it, she saw words engraved. Brushing away the moss, she read "Danger. Any stone removed must be returned by 3:00 the following day."



Okay Reader, here is the beginning....it's all I have time for today. Please respond with questions, comments, and honest feedback. Thanks again!