Today my mind is on stinkin' thinkin'. You know...the kind of internal thinking we engage in that works against ourselves instead of for ourselves. We all engage in it at times, even if we're not aware of it.
Think about when you look at yourself in the mirror. Do you find yourself saying, "I love the way I look today!" very often? Or is it more like, "Man, I need to lose weight, and I wish I didn't have this ugly spot right here?" Exactly my point. We all do this to some extent.
There is another, more dangerous, kind of stinkin' thinkin' that emerges as the result of growing up with a set of beliefs that are not appropriate or accurate. If a child grows up constantly hearing that she can't do anything right, she will take that belief into adulthood with her. It will be nearly impossible for her to believe her actions or accomplishments are right or good. Her internal voice will tell her, "Of course that's not right...nothing I ever do is right." If a young boy hears that it's not manly to cry or show emotions, he will most likely grow up not knowing how to express himself appropriately.
It is natural to take these beliefs from our formative and teenage years into adulthood and act upon them, whether the beliefs are skewed or not. In a perfect world, children grow up hearing only positive and healthy messages about their inner beauty, self-worth, and values. Let's face it, though, there are many things that can happen in a child's life to interrupt this, such as emotional or physical abuse, losing an important person, alcoholism, the cycle of poverty or prejudice, and the list goes on. The point is, if a child grows up with a skewed set of beliefs, the child will grow up to act on those beliefs unless something happens to challenge or interrupt their thought process.
One of the hardest things I've had to do recently, was to admit that my own children have some skewed beliefs due to growing up in a household where there was domestic violence. I wanted their childhood to be perfect, but it didn't quite turn out that way. When I've listened to their "internal voices" coming out in conversations with their friends and each other, or watched the actions they've taken in relationships and friendships, I've had to admit that they are, at times, acting on skewed beliefs.
The reason admitting this isn't easy is that I have to take responsibility for it. I've let them grow up in less than ideal circumstances. That being said, now I have to DO SOMETHING about it (see bold print above).
I don't want my children to grow up thinking that it's okay to disrespect their mother, although I allowed them to witness this for years without telling them it was wrong. I don't want them to think it's okay for one person in a relationship to control the other. I don't want them to think you have to let someone take advantage of you in order to stay in a relationship. I never, ever, want them to think that it's okay to let someone abuse them, physically or emotionally. More than anything, I don't want them to think they have to sacrifice their own values to prove their love for someone.
I am saddened to admit to myself that these are the beliefs my children have internalized while growing up. But I can't let my sadness prevent me from working my hardest to correct them. As hard as parenting already is, it's doubly hard to correct a set of beliefs a teenager has accumulated over most of his or her lifetime. This is required work for a parent who has recently come out of a tough situation, though. It takes courage to admit that I've failed my children in this respect, and now must "cram in" extra parenting lessons to undo what has been done.
But it's worth it. It's worth it to stay up late, to put off dinner for an hour, to cancel my own plans, basically whatever it takes, to help my children overcome these skewed beliefs. I know it will be my mission for the remainder of the time I have with each of my children. I owe it to them, and I love them enough to sacrifice anything for their well-being.
And there isn't anything that's stinkin' about that thinkin'!
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