Blossoming

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

When you touch a hot stove, you learn not to touch it again. When you disobey your parents, you learn that there will be consequences to your actions. When a friend reveals a secret, you learn not to tell secrets to that friend again. Life teaches us what NOT to do, from a very young age. Sometimes we test out what we think we've heard and experience reinforces what we've learned.

Don't cheat on a test. Don't react in anger. Don't go out with the "wrong" boys. Don't trust that group of girls. Don't stay out too late. Don't drink too much. Don't show up for work late.

Many times these lessons work for our own good. But what happens if we never learn what we are supposed TO do? What happens if we become paralyzed by the "don'ts"?

Pretty soon, all we can do is stand still, barely breathing, afraid to step, afraid to move, afraid to risk. We live in a tight little bud, wrapped around ourselves, not daring to move.

That was me. From the time I was a little girl, I took to heart every command given to me by my parents and teachers. I wanted to please the grown ups in my life and I didn't want to be seen as a "bad" girl. I imagined myself very small, not getting in anyone's way, keeping to myself, minding the "don'ts." I didn't really talk much and everyone always commented on how shy I was. Later, they said I was mature for my age. I didn't play in a group of girls. I didn't hang out with other teenagers, or go to the mall, or sass my parents. I couldn't risk their disapproval. I complied, adjusted, and went along. To be honest, this had less to do with being a "good girl" and more to do with being afraid.

I remember speaking up on only one occasion. In my small voice I asked if we could do things differently than the way we were doing them.  My verbalized thoughts were met with hostility, disapproval, and conflict. Naturally, I stopped talking. Instead, I turned everything inward and came up with a plan that I executed impulsively. My plan led me to a situation that wasn't good for me and nearly ended in disaster.

Again, life taught me (and experience reinforced it) that I needed to stay in the tight little bud. I learned: DON'T talk to the people in your life. DON'T share your heart. DON'T leave a bad situation because you might get yourself into one that is worse. Above all, I learned to keep to myself, to stay quiet and to avoid taking risks.

I was a quiet little girl who got good grades and didn't cause trouble. I was a quiet college student, and even when I made choices that weren't good for me, no one knew about them but me. I was a quiet wife who focused on my husband and children to my own detriment.

I lived inside that tightly controlled, quiet world of my own making for a long time. When people heard from me it was respectful and polite. I avoided conflict. I didn't say what I was really thinking. On the few occasions I did, I suffered such physical anxiety that I developed ulcers and high blood pressure.

Is it a wonder, then, that I ended up in a violent, controlling marriage? Is it a wonder that I didn't stand up for myself after the first time? Is it a wonder that I didn't confide in my friends or those who were supposed to be there for me? Life taught me to be that way and experience reinforced it.

But here's the problem. Being in that bud HURT. Constantly seeking approval HURT. Not knowing at the end of each day that I was accepted and loved HURT. Wanting to be me, wanting to have my own voice, wanting to do things differently than the people around me HURT. Not having someone there for me HURT. I was lonely and scared a lot. I didn't know what to do when conflict arose. I didn't know how to get out of a bad situation. I was afraid.

And you know what? I still don't know how to handle it when people disappoint me. I still don't always say no, even when it's in my best interest. I still don't really know the best way to advocate for myself and my children and avoidance is still one of my favorite coping skills.

But now that I've had a taste of love and acceptance, I'm learning! It's sweeter than anything I ever imagined. I'm sick of that hurtful bud and I'm not going back to it. I'm learning to speak my mind, to advocate for what's right, and to stop doing the things I don't want to do. NO is going to become a regularly used part of my vocabulary.

I'm ready to blossom!