Swimming, the savior, and the loving One

There was a time when my faith was SO strong it felt unshakable. I knew, deep in my heart, that I was forgiven and loved. I went to church every Sunday (and I had friends there!) I knew the hymns, the praise songs, and the Bible verses that comforted me in difficult times. I tucked words of advice and encouragement into my heart, sharing them with every friend I saw during the week. I knew that Jesus would always be there for me.

But tragically, I lost sight of Him when I plunged deep into that ocean of fear and pain two years ago.

It's been very much like an underwater struggle for me. Let me try to explain.

Imagine yourself being on a sailboat in beautiful weather, surrounded by the people you love. You hear music that fills your heart with joy, feel the sunshine on your face, and you can't imagine any better place on earth. Suddenly, you feel someone push you out of the boat, feel yourself splashing into icy cold water. At first you're shocked, and you look up and see only the concerned face of the One who loves you more than anything, shimmering just above you. You reach up to be rescued, your arms heavy and clumsy. You flail around in your panicked state, unintentionally forcing yourself deeper and deeper into the water. Fear starts to make your heart pound. Seaweed tangles around your head and face, debris catches at your legs and feet. You try to get back to safely, but you can't breathe, can't move, can't think. With the struggle to get free, the need to breath, the desire to be safe, you forget all about the One up there, forget all about the sunshine and the friends. All that's left is you and the fight to save your own life.

My initial shock at what happened in my marriage two years ago was what pushed me from my firm footing and into the icy water in the first place. I was stunned, shocked with cold fear. I wanted my friends to save me. I reached my arms out to them, but no one was there. No one wanted to "take sides." This feeling of abandonment pulled me even deeper into the water. I felt all alone with no one to help me...I panicked and down further I went. I lost sight of the loving One. Confusion about how my friends treated me was like seaweed that clouded my vision. Finding out that my children had been hurt was debris that grabbed at my ankles and held me down, unable to breathe. I feared I would drown.

But I fought to save my own life and the lives of my children. I fought fiercely, all by myself. I pulled free from the debris. I pushed the seaweed out of my face.  Finally, an anonymous savior, in the form of a non-believing friend, pulled me back to the surface. I began to breathe again - coughing, sputtering breaths at first -  but I was alive.

I wanted to get out of the water and stay out. I wanted to curl up on shore and forget it all...the water, the sailboat, my so-called friends, and even my new-found savior. I stayed there for a while, I cursed the water, I cursed the person who pushed me, and I forgot all about the One. I calmed down and started swimming again, tentatively and with help at first, and finally, on my own.

I've been swimming a beginner's stroke for months now, learning to trust the water, learning to navigate the seaweed without it pulling me under again. I know where the debris is and have learned to swim around it. I've been reluctant to look for that sailboat, unwilling to believe that the sunny day was even real. I've caught myself humming songs from that time, though, and my heart remembers. I've even thought about the loving One, and how His face shone upon me, and I've even wondered if He's still there.

I am, and always will be, thankful to my savior friend. Even without knowing about the sailboat, or the loving One, or anything about my past, he pulled me from the water and tended to me when I needed it the most. He swims beside me to this day, applauding my courage, encouraging me, and always helping me to become an even stronger swimmer.

I think I want to find the sailboat again. I want to feel the sun on my face and the joy in my heart. I want to sing those songs with abandon. But I'll admit, I'm afraid. How do I know it's safe? How do I know it was real? How do I know I won't be hurt again?

For now, I think I will just swim. If I see the sailboat, I might get on. Maybe I'll sing. Maybe I'll get to visit with the loving One and everything will be okay.

No matter what happens, one thing is for sure. My friend will be by my side, ready to catch me if I fall. And I love him for that.